vulnerability

what is it that makes you vulnerable? what does it mean to be vulnerable? it means someone has some kind of power over you, or some way that they are able to harm you, if they choose. so trusting someone means that you are choosing to give them that power, and you believe they won't use it.

now, as i get older, i keep finding more things that i assumed were universal human experiences that are not. so i don't know if this is universal, but i suspect it is: i'm surprised to find out that becoming vulnerable to someone is much less about what i give away than about what i take in from them. (so really, by reading this, you're the vulnerable one, not me. if this experience is universal, that is.) basically, it's how much they're woven into the fabric of my life and my core.

some significant ways to be vulnerable:

past:

- having a long history with someone integrates them into many more memories. therefore, the part they play in your life becomes more substantial over time. unless you plan to make a hermit of yourself, you can't avoid at least some degree of this.

- nostalgia is surprisingly powerful, and becomes more of a factor the longer/the more you know someone. related to the last point, but not exactly the same.

present:

- having someone who is part of your routine. this in and of itself doesn't make you vulnerable, but you have more opportunities to be vulnerable, and it makes the other vulnerabilities more powerful.

- integrating things they have shared with you, like music, movies, stories, hobbies, sayings, whatever. this can also include personal stories or facts they have told you.

- uncalculated emotions. insecurities, fears, and sadness might be some big ones, though those could be calculated too. but the point here is that they are allowed in to comfort and strengthen you in ways you can't do for yourself. this is also dictated by a lack of control over the situation, which is where the vulnerability comes in.

future:

- hopes and dreams. this one is really the heavy hitter for me, especially when the person in question was not only a part of them, but helped build them. this one is also one of the scarier and riskier ones in my opinion, because one of the risks in moving forward with your life is opening yourself up to the possibility of the best parts of that endeavor crumbling. and, you can't avoid some degree of this one either.

here's one last thought before i try again to sleep. choosing to become vulnerable to someone is always a huge risk, because you could end up seriously hurt. but here's another surprising thing: the risk is not always in how much you trust the person, so much as how much you trust the relationship. for example, i could have someone i trust very highly to act in the ways that they see as right and to respect what i entrust to them, but if there are factors that make the dynamics of our relationship less than stable, that is still a high risk.

some things that might make a relationship less stable:

- obviously, if the person themself is unstable, unpredictable, or untrustworthy (that's more of a person problem than a relationship problem, but for obvious reasons, it would create relationship problems too.)

- romance on either side, or the potential for it, or a history of it

- apathy or lack of commitment

- imbalance of investment

- high potential for big life changes that might upset or end the relationship

- rivalry

- other external forces that create opposition or obstacles for the relationship

- other stuff, i'm sure

this isn't necessarily meant to be prescriptive, only observational, so make of it what you will.

EDIT: so i've been thinking about my statement that it's the receiving and integrating of experiences from others, rather than giving of yourself, that makes you vulnerable. i'd like to qualify/explain that statement. i think there's vulnerability involved in both, but in different ways. when you tell someone things about yourself, you're giving out information (even if it's sharing music or movies or whatever--same idea). most of the time, if you're sharing this type of information, you most likely already trust the person not to abuse it (i.e. using it against you or intentionally hurting you). now, most people (or probably all) put their trust in the wrong person at least once in their life (or maybe many times), so obviously, this is still something that makes you vulnerable. but mostly, it's positional vulnerability--they hold something over you, especially if the information puts you in a bad light. this may involve emotional vulnerability, even a lot of it, but it doesn't always have to. i suppose it also depends on how open you are with information about yourself, or how secure you are with it, or something.

the kind of vulnerability you accept when you take in these things from others is the surprising one, because you're not positionally vulnerable. technically they have nothing over you. but in sharing part of themselves with you, they've put some degree of trust in you. it can be disarming, and very persuasive for you to let your own guard down against relational closeness. the more this becomes ingrained in your life, the more vulnerable you become. by becoming actually closer as people, you become more susceptible to getting hurt by the other person, even (or especially) unintentionally. it's emotional vulnerability, and it's less predictable and controllable than the other type.

yeah, i don't know if this view is universal after all.

tldr: the real vulnerability is in close relationship.