ok, i confess. this one is not technically a full retropost, since i wrote this part after the fact. but that doesn't make it any less true.
anyone who knows me likely knows that the way i do in school is very important to me. it's not just my own anal perfectionism. anything into which i invest that much time and energy i want to be done well. if i have less than an A in a class, it means that i'm not getting as much out of it as i want to be. i don't say this to toot my own horn [lol... :)]. but to fully understand the story, you have to know how all-or-nothing i tend to be about most things.
the weekend before this happened was the directly after the end of the semester. i was pretty sure i was going to get a B+ in my history class, especially since i had not had an A since the first day of school (no joke). so i had to spend the WHOLE weekend (+ monday) getting used to a B in this class.
i know what you might be thinking.
"boo hoo, elmadu. woe is you. stop being such a perfectionist, and get over it."
i know, i know. and over that weekend, i really had to examine my motives for pressuring myself so much and how important this is really going to be to my life (which is not as much as everyone would like me to believe). but still!!! i hate it. and i hate that there's not really hope of change in the near future. but at least i did the best i could with the limited time i had, and without warping my priorities too severely.
this is not about grades. it's about grace.
and so, without further ado...
~ ~ ~
[written 1/22/13]
i am late-but-"lucky" for 0 period PE again this morning, as i often am. meaning my class isn't assembled yet. so i'm not marked tardy.
when it is over, i take my stuff to the bathroom to change. my friend finishes before me, so i tell her i will see her at the library, as i usually do the first day of the week, which starts later than other days. afterwards, i think about it. actually, says my thoughts, i don't really have to go to the library. i finished all of my homework. that means that i can finish my Bible-reading-ness during this half-hour instead. then i can print out my homework, and just go to class. sweet! so i leisurely keep changing, overhearing some conversation between a couple other girls.
"How much time do we have?"
"We still have a few more minutes"
until the collaboration bell rings, i guess? i wonder why they are in such a hurry. maybe they forgot about collaboration schedule on mondays.
...
...
...
...
...
wait a second. today is tuesday. therefore there is no collaboration schedule today, and therefore, no extra half-hour. that means i have just a few minutes to finish changing and go all the way across campus and print out my homework and still get to class on time. crap!!!!!
i hate monday holidays.
so i hastily finish up and get out of the bathroom. the bell rings on my way to the library. great. whatever. hopefully i can get a late pass to class. i arrive and quickly start getting into my account to print my stuff.
"Hon?" from behind me. probably directed at someone else. the librarian seemed pretty busy.
"Hon." i turn around, just to make sure. looking straight at me, the librarian says "Hon, you can't be on the computer right now, because the bell already rang. You need to go to class."
"But I need to print my--"
"I'm sorry, but you need to go to class now."
%!^@#&!*#&(&$^=+#@*^%$!!!!!!! [for the reader who is reading this and freaking out right now, that does NOT represent swearing. but just... ugh!!! stupid stupid stupid school rules!!! and stupid me!!! there are no words to express this.]
so i leave the library and head directly for the counseling center. i WILL NOT go to class without my homework. the counseling center doesn't care, and they let me print my homework and give me a pass to class. loverly.
my 1st period teacher accepts the pass. :)
"Ok, now I'm going to pull up the grades from this past semester, so you can all see how you did."
ugh. here comes my B. so sad. the last time i got a B, i was in fourth grade. it was in social studies, like this stupid history class. but whatever. i've moved on over the weekend, if not really gotten over it.
but i can't find my I.D. number up there. not very surprising, since the numbers are next to microscopic. ok, i know that it ends with 73, so maybe i can at least make out those two numbers. the only number i can find ending in 73 is near the top, next to an A-. no way. seriously?!?!?!?!!! i'd better check at home just to make sure i'm not seeing things...
i've never been so happy to see an A- before.
but the thing is, the weekend of accepting my B kinda changed my perspective. grades are not the most important thing ever, and one B is not going to break my life. i've been gradually adjusting to this idea for a while, but this kinda finished it off.
this is amazing. i sincerely think that God really wanted me to put things into perspective. to see how much i would give up and still commit to following Him, and not give in to homework/study pressures. but i'm still grateful that he allowed me to get an A in the class. it's like Someone shows you exactly what death is like, and you totally think it's happening, but then you don't actually die. He didn't have to do that. it was my own fault. but He helped me through it and got me there.
Lord, thank You for showing me your Love for me in every way. thank You for helping me in finally getting the A, but thank You more for teaching me surrender and humility and perspective. i can't for the life of me understand why You gave me that A in the end (because You really did give it to me), but i thank You anyway. You have an amazing way of teaching me. henceforth, i am even more fully Yours than before. not that i wasn't sincere before, but You have now given me a deeper understanding. thank You, once again.
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