watch it grow, this tower of miniscule, even subconscious, half-imagined marks against me in my own mind. nothing by itself draws much attentions, but put all together, the pressure creeps in until one last straw brings the whole thing crashing down. overdramatized? probably. is this really as big a deal as it seems now, or is it just a phase, something that really is as insignificant as i feel it ought to be?
the war wages on, unending. i know where i want to go, yet it seems impossible to get there with me constantly sabotaging my own goals. why should i keep living as though perfection were the only thing that mattered? weren't we all made unique, for a specific purpose and to build each other up? it seems that i have made it backfire on myself in my effort to prove that i am just as good as anyone else, that i can do anything well if someone else can. the plain truth, rather than becoming motivation, has turned more to jealousy, and like a toxic acid, is eating me alive. how self-centered i am! when will i be able to successfully communicate to myself that it's not all about me, that i don't need to try to impress the entire world?
and so, little by little, i have inflated my own head to compensate for my insecurities. it's funny how often keeping a problem "under control" translates to it being solved. oh Lord! i know we are all made with free will, but can You please just take all this away, far from my heart which i'm trying to give you?
~ ~ ~
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind...
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind...
-Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart"
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