fear and desire: part i

(disclaimer:  i apologize if this makes no sense at all.  this is really difficult for me, and has taken me over a month to tell anyone at all.  but... here goes.)


"Well, we can talk about that, but I'm more interested in knowing your greatest fear and your greatest desire.  Most of the time they're related, because people tend to desire things that will get them away from their fears."
- J. S. Mendel

well, friends, it has taken me pretty much my whole life, but i think i've finally uncovered a fear.  a fear based on a dislike of a pattern.  a pattern of close friends becoming distant friends, and of being left alone with my own social ineptitude once again.  over and over and over.  a fear that this pattern will never be over.

to briefly clarify, though i probably don't need to:  loneliness ≠ being alone.  not in the physical sense, anyway.  that would be ironic for an introvert.  sometimes i want to just enjoy being alone, and i'm usually the most lonely when i'm in a large group of people--but people with whom i have little or no close connection.  especially if they have a close connection with each other.

loneliness is something i am quite familiar with, and have been for... a long time.  the actual fear is that it won't really end.

this has two parts:

temporary-ness:
this part is more of a dismay that all my relational efforts build to something temporary (that's where a bit of hopelessness comes in).  and a concern that loneliness will be always present because i will always know that the things i'm building won't last.  a fear that i will never find belonging (in a close friend/group of close friends) that lasts.  this sounds stupid now that it's written, but i think it might be kind of key, since i notice now that i've written about it multiple times before.


alone-ness of purpose:
this also includes interest.  to sum up: not being able to relate to/with people (on a two-way level).  for a full novel, read on.

i have always related better to people older than i am.  perhaps a result of being the youngest by so much.  most people's reaction to this (not peers as much, but people on the outside) is something like "oh, you're so mature" or "responsible" or "understanding" or something really positive like that.

i'm telling you, it sucks.  the only people i've found that share a common sense of purpose and/or interest to the degree that i have are in a different stage of life than i am.  i thought it didn't matter (maybe someday it won't).  and i am not at all giving up on those.  i just realized... well...

when asked to define friendship over a year ago, i wrote an entire post about it.  it was pretty thorough, but it was mostly about what a good friend would be to me.  that was what i was most focused on and most grateful for at the time.  i still am, but since then, i've found that it isn't quite complete... anymore.

my older (in age) friends are excellent friends to me.  since developing some of these friendships, i think i know a little better what heaven must be like, because this is the closest i've ever been.  but when it comes to understanding the things that bend them out of shape, sometimes i'm quite lost.  it doesn't quite sit exactly right with me.

as an isjami might say, i have a balanced amount of give-of-myself-to-you relationships and receive-from-you relationships, but am somewhat lacking in the give-and-take mutual-investment deeply-connected relationships category.  =)

"i want to be emotionally fulfilling for others, such that if i were to leave forever, they would 1) always want me to return, and 2) be unable to fill at least one specific need. i suppose this goes hand in hand with uniquity. i want others to have isaiah-shaped voids in their lives, which could at best be only partially / imperfectly filled by anyone or anything else. ...i simply cannot be content with having close relationships in which i fulfill those people in a generic, non-unique way."

- INTeJer, "RE: thoughts from out of nowhere," moon-bathing

i don't just want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around.  i want to be that friend who, if i'm not there, it's just not the same.  i want to be the friend that can make you smile, even if you're in the worst mood.  but i also want to be the friend that you can tell anything to.  i want to be the friend that can help you in a practical way when you're going through something, but if i can't be that, i at least want to be the friend who can help you through it emotionally.  i want to be the friend to whom you'll lend your shoulder to cry on any day, and on whom you can count to do the same.  i want to be the friend who is fulfilled by knowing you and who fulfills you too.