retropost: a plank in reason broke

author's note: this is a post i started writing on march 24, 2021. i didn't finish it, and the context in which it was begun has passed. but i will do my best to finish what i started, because i still think that it's important. if you like, you can read it in the context of whatever else i was writing at the time. in my memory, this post is fairly well indicative of what that time was like.

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not a lot of people know this, but i took mma classes for about a year. i liked the idea of combining exercise with the ability to defend myself, should i need to. it felt empowering to think that should i find myself in a potentially dangerous situation, i would not be completely and entirely helpless.

but one class in particular stands out in my mind. that day, Sifu didn't have any new punches or combos for us. instead, we were to practice taking hits in a way that would protect vitals--the head and sensory organs mostly, but also, to an extent, the internal organs. of course, we had done blocking and parrying of strikes before, but that was more about watching our opponents and avoiding their attacks. in this case, there was no avoiding. we were instructed to say something if it ever became too much. when it came to it, i didn't have to do that, but it was still an odd feeling--being able to do nothing except cover my head with my arms and accept hit after hit after hit. afterwards my arms were sore and bruised for over a week. it was a strange class, and some might even question the wisdom of it--something i hadn't really considered until i started getting questions about my bruises.

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i am fairly good at blocking and parrying. in the metaphorical sense. in the physical sense, i'm not much of an athlete, and my general coordination is, at most, average by the most generous of estimates. but in life? a strategist. perhaps my greatest strength and weakness is thinking through all the possibilities, and seeing challenges from a mile away. (even in my mma class, i improved mainly by analyzing and choreographing in my head, rather than through force or instinct!) this skill allows me to avoid and redirect problems often enough for me to consider it an asset.

but like, it's an asset in the same way that i used to consider perfectionism to be an asset. which is to say, it can be extremely beneficial, until it intoxicates and corrupts you from the inside. this is what overthinking does to me. the same skill that helps me see many future possibilities can become the one that shows me why none of them end well. the same skill that helps me analyze past events is the same one that nitpicks and accuses me of every shortcoming. and the same skill that helps me understand multiple perspectives is the same one that makes me question my own, until i can no longer be sure of what is true. ironic that something that is supposed to sort through information can make things so much less clear, right?

so very easily, this overpowered rumination can be used against me, and let me tell you, it is a force to be reckoned with. i left out something important, actually. the main point of this mma class was to teach self-defense techniques to women--not to win or to take down attackers, which would, in many situations, be a losing battle, but to buy enough time to get away. there are times when your enemy is just bigger and stronger than you, and you alone have no chance against them. with all your strategies, you can't fend off the attacks forever--even attacks against your character, your values, your relationships, your perceptions of yourself, your very understanding of what is true and good and right--you may not even be able to fight back at all, especially when the hits just keep coming at you. at a certain point, the best you can do is to stop engaging. you put your head down, try to protect your vitals, take the hits as they come, and survive. and pray that in the end, the damage you do take is healable.