gross. (pt 1?)

not sure if i've talked about this outright here before, but it seems like i have kind of a disdain for romantic desire. for myself at least, and only some of the time for other people. it's not that i feel that way about romance generally, though my feelings about that have been complicated at times. it's more the actual feeling, the desire, specifically within myself, that makes me uncomfortable.

"isn't it the function of desire to be uncomfortable? to push you forward toward something?"

kind of. but i'm not uncomfortable as a result of what the feeling does, i'm uncomfortable because of what the feeling is. i think i may be too proud of a person, in other words. romantic desire makes me feel foolish and undignified, so i think i've generally resisted it.

"but that's pretty judgmental, isn't it? romance isn't foolish, it's beautiful!"

it may, in fact, be judgmental. and that's sort of true, romance isn't foolish, but it often drives people to act foolishly (at least, in appearance). and even if they don't act foolishly, there is a sense of feeling foolish in the way romance can consume a person. it makes them vulnerable.

“so you’re afraid of vulnerability?”

maybe, in a sense. or rather, i see the advantages to self-sufficiency. the idea (flawed though it may be) is that you’re stronger if you don’t need other people, or at least, if you don’t need a specific other. in some ways, mutual vulnerability is one of the things i want the most, but it can be unstable. if you know how to be self-sufficient, it may be less fulfilling, but it feels more stable because you are (more) in control—of yourself and your situation. so it’s not really vulnerability i want to avoid, but emotional and relational instability.

this vulnerability is not only true of romantic relationships, by the way, but that is the most extreme form of it.

i sort of think vulnerability is not the whole answer, but i don't really know the whole answer. why, for example, would it be embarrassing to have feelings for someone? does it make you seem weak? exposed? sappy? perhaps it depends on the circumstances. i may need to come back to this.