sketches on grief

when a loss happens, the second decision i make is how to grieve. the first is how to continue on.

grief is strange. often when we talk about grief, it’s in the wake of a death. and that is obviously fitting. but the thing is, grief can be experienced in way more ways, and for way more reasons. besides death, there are so many other kinds of losses to grieve. and in my experience, those can be much harder to process.

now, a disclaimer: there are a lot of sides and types of death i have no experience with, so i am not trying to make comprehensive statements here. but i have some small variety of experiences, and it is of those i speak, hopefully with respect.

death of loved ones is obviously difficult , and important. but weirdly, with most deaths i’ve experienced, i’ve been able to process the grief relatively quickly. it’s also worth noting that in most of these cases, they have been people i did not see very often, and so even though the grief itself was hard, i was able to carry on in my daily rhythms without much change in pace.

but there are other things i grieve differently. loss of friendship has probably been the worst. which is weird, right? like if you’re definitely never going to see someone again (at least on this side of eternity) shouldn’t it be harder than facing a situation where you have the potential of rekindling a relationship with someone? and yet, i think that’s part of it. when every potential future is gone for good, it’s not easy, but it can be more simple (again, speaking out of only my own experience). there are no decisions to be made or actions to be taken to stop the loss from happening. all there is to do is accept it. relational loss is different because it’s harder to see when there are still options in front of you, and also whether or not you should take them if there are. it’s difficult not to bear some responsibility for the failure because technically the potential for it to resurrect or come out of stasis is always there, and perhaps you are constantly choosing not to act on it. furthermore, a relationship is something that two people contribute to, and often both share the responsibility if it fails. so to grieve this is to grieve not only the loss, but also your part in it, potentially while continuing to affirm the decision by staying separate.