throughline

sometimes when people talk about their growth, they talk about it in terms of "phases," or they speak of their past as though the subject of it were a completely different person from them. i don't quite relate to this. in general, the person i was ten or fifteen years ago was someone who was laying down the foundation for the belief structures of who i am today, but many of my baseline premises and beliefs about life have remained the same; they've just become more nuanced.

having said that, there have been seasons in my life that have felt like they've had somewhat distinct boundary lines, especially based on what i was doing or feeling, or who was in my life at the time. not that i become a drastically different person from one season to the next, but the ways that i interact with the world are often different because the situations i find myself in draw out and encourage growth in different parts of me. interestingly, sometimes i am not even aware of the shift from one season to another until well after it happens.

but the past few months have been strange for me because i am intentionally trying out new ways of looking at and experiencing the world with the expectation that this probably is one of those key shifting times. at the same time, i have also been doing a fair amount of looking back at previous seasons and the thought patterns i have used in them. and it's weird because i remember thinking those things, and even when i agree with what i've said or thought in the past, some of the ways i approached life and expressed myself when i was younger no longer feel quite at home in my head anymore. i think i like the idea of tying the different seasons of my life together with throughlines, like a cohesive story, even though i know that a person is not only one trait, or even a handful of traits, but rather a whole spectrum of traits--tools that they can call upon if they wish, which they may utilize differently at different times of life. anyway, i think i've been feeling a bit distant from how i'm used to imagining myself. nothing i'm too worried about, but it is a strange feeling.

but you? you know every version of me. and what changes have taken place, and what caused the changes. you have walked with me through all of it. sometimes i lose track of my relationship with you and i expect to turn around and find that it has atrophied away. but you're still there. it forces me to recognize that, as with Abraham, you have fulfilled the entire covenant yourself. you keep me grounded because your understanding and affection have remained constant, even when i have been prone to letting things die of neglect, and you have pulled me back from the edge of darkness more times than i have even recognized. in a way, because i believe you, and you know every part of me, i can reckon with the changes and accept them as character growth.